


5 times Peter B. Parker was not what Deadpool expected and 1 time he really wasn't

by cian1675



Series: Peter B., a whole mess [1]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Camboy!Peter, Cosplayer!Peter, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Getting to Know Each Other, Identity Reveal, Into the Spider-Verse compliant, Lip Piercings, M/M, dick piercings, jake gyllenhaal for peter b parker, pierced!Peter, sort of a meet-cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:06:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23995735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cian1675/pseuds/cian1675
Summary: Also known as, the fic in which Peter B. Parker has done some weird shit in his life.Or, a story in 6 parts:1. Peter B., cosplayer2. He wears crop tops and short shorts3. He’s a Ryan Reynolds fan4. A camboy5. He’s pierced down there, holy shites+1. No spoilers in the summary, go read it.
Relationships: Peter B. Parker/Wade Wilson, Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: Peter B., a whole mess [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730614
Comments: 10
Kudos: 205





	5 times Peter B. Parker was not what Deadpool expected and 1 time he really wasn't

**Author's Note:**

> I fell into spideypool at a rapid pace and I wrote a thing. It's my first fic in this fandom so I hope I'm not too far off with the characters here. Also, I love Tom Holland as Spidey, but Peter B. Parker is hilarious and I'm definitely using [Jake Gyllenhaal's image for Peter B. Parker](https://twitter.com/hiddlestwinkle/status/1169871543599415298) in this fic.
> 
> \---  
>  **[ ]** \- White  
>  _{ }_ \- Yellow

# 1\. Peter B., cosplayer.

There are not many places where Deadpool wearing his costume doesn’t turn a few heads.

**[ Hold on now, that’s just confusing. ]**

Okay, okay. How about –

There are some places where Deadpool wearing his costume turns a few heads.

Better?

_{ Duh. }_

Wade rolls his eyes. Anyway, the point is, Deadpool in his full red and black leather suit – katanas, guns and all – is _weird_ , but the good people of New York usually don’t care. Who does care though, are the people at Comic-con. Or they would, if Wade can just… divert their attention away from the other Deadpool cosplayer in this corner of the convention.

(Don’t judge. This is the corner with food. Of course Wade is here.)

“Hello, is that another Deadpool I spy?” The crowd snapping photos of the Deadpool cosplayer look up for long enough to see him, and then, some cameras turn his way. “Oh wow, _fans_ , I’d never have thought.” Wade gasps a little, posing with both hands around his face for the photos while getting closer to the cosplayer. Up close, the guy’s almost as tall as him.

**[ 6 feet[1] to our 188cm, or 182cm for those of us who don’t live in Amercia. ]**

_{ Can we move closer? He looks cute. }_

Wade ignores the boxes, but does move closer. Twirl, actually, like a ballerina, except less graceful. The other cosplayer is doing tricks in the space he has, all of which looks cool, and probably is the reason why the crowd is, well, crowding around him.

**[ Ha. You think you’re so funny. ]**

We’re hilarious, Wade thinks, just as he see a little wave from the cosplayer before the guy flips in the air, and does a –

“Superhero landing, ouch, I am so SO sorry for your knees.”

There’s a laugh from the guy, which Wade doesn’t expect, and then, a groan as he stands up.

“I see you’re as mouthy as the character, eh?”

The Deadpool cosplayer sticks out a hand in front of him, and Wade starts to shake it, only to find the points of something poking him.

 _{ Sadly, it isn’t what we wish was poking us. Also, we won’t want it to be in the hand, but ooh, okay,_ that’s _an idea, why not? }_

“I gotta do something to draw the people in since I can’t do cool tricks like ya,” is all Wade says, turning the small wallet-sized card over in his hand to see –

“Peter B. Cosplayer. Twitter handle –”

“Got a card you wanna exchange?” The cosplayer – Peter – interrupts, and oh, Wade has a card around...

Somewhere…

Surely.

He finds it in one of his many pockets, noticing Peter’s gaze follow his hands, and wow, the eyes of Peter’s costume can squint!

**[ Just like ours. What a show-off. ]**

_{ Ask him how he does it! }_

**[ Wait, are you sure you want to hand him that card – ]**

“Pool comma Dead. And a phone number which I’m not going to read aloud, and… is that a drawing of a chibi Deadpool on the other side?”

_{ Aw, he likes our drawing. }_

**[ Seriously, did you just hand him our actual name card. ]**

Deadpool blinks, forgetting what he originally wanted to say. No matter. He preens at Peter, batting his eyelashes a few times to show that he, too, has a mask which can blink.

“Of course you’ll be concerned with reading my phone number aloud, that’s cute. It’s such a dad instinct. Oh whoops, did I say dad? Because I didn’t mean to, I didn’t want to point out that you have a paunch because dad-bods are kind of hot and in right now and I so do not need the competition, and wow, I think I just said all of that out loud. Fuck.”

There’s a moment in which Peter’s eyes blink rapidly in a way that is _so_ not Deadpool –

_{ But oh so Spidey - }_

And then the silence is broken by Peter saying, “Wow, did you just insinuate that I’m _Dad_ pool? Because I’ll have you know, I can so totally be a Dad because you don’t know what’s underneath this suit, and oh, I forgot where I was going with this.”

When Wade laughs, it’s loud, awfully so – the boxes won’t shut up and he’s not repeating what they say – but Peter laughs right along with him, and even offers him a donut. It’s kind of cold, as convention food tends to be, but it’s cool because when Wade stupidly says –

“We should hang out again sometime –”

Peter claps a hand on his shoulder and agrees.

“Sure, why not? We can totally make a selfcest photoshoot if you’re so inclined.”

And Wade feels something at his words –

**[ Definitely heartburn – ]**

_{ Could it be foreshadowing? }_

**[ Don’t trick the readers, there’s no foreshadowing related to selfcest here. ]**

_{ Oh you mean there’s other types of foreshadowing? }_

_Shut up_ , Wade thinks, hand coming up to his chest – not heartburn, no.

Even though he knows the guy is most likely joking, wink and all, he still feels… something. Something he hasn’t felt in a long time. Warmth, maybe.

**[ Or maybe he’s just nice. Basic human decency and all. ]**

_{ He_ is _really_ _nice. }_

Whatever the case is, this Deadpool cosplayer, Peter-bee (because that’s what Wade’s gonna call him now, no takesies-backsies), is not what he expected, and it’s _great_.

It’s GREAT.

**\---**

# 2\. He wears crop tops and short shorts

It’s not great.

Peter doesn’t call, even though Wade’s waited for a suitable amount of time, and gone through all of Peter’s tweets like, fifty times. To be fair, it’s not like that’s hard to do when there’s only a handful of tweets, most of them linking to photoshoots, or videos where Peter does tricks.

_{ We can totally go through it again, stare at the one cosplay he did of Spider-man. Mm, that ass… }_

**[ Or you could, you know, make a Twitter account and DM him. ]**

_{ Ooh, slide into his DMs. }_

“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Wade mutters, and he does what White say, though he tries not to do any sort of sliding into Peter’s DMs lest he freaks him out.

_{ Aw, but Petey talked about selfcest. Surely he’ll be down for some freaky shit. }_

**[ Stop selfcest-baiting. ]**

“Don’t call him Petey,” Wade mumbles absently. And then, 12 hours and some change later, he sighs because guess what? Peter doesn’t reply his DMs either.

Just his luck.

Wade gets a call two months later, while he’s in the middle of a job.

“Hold on,” he tells the guy under his boot as he fumbles to find his phone. He doesn’t recognise the number, which doesn’t say much because this is the number he gives out for mercenary jobs. “Hello?”

“Hey, this is Peter, not sure if you remember.”

“Oh, _hi_ , Peter,” Wade says, voice dropping from happy to tense as he kicks the idiot under his boot because he won’t stay down. “Hello, yes, I remember you.”

_{ If you remember him, then you should remember he ghosted us for months! Months! 3 months, 4 days, 12 hours, 0 minutes and 2 seconds, to be exact. }_

“That’s… good. Yes, good. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. I was busy and I just saw you DM-ed me too. Would you like to hang out still?

Peter-bee sounds hesitant, and Wade kicks the idiot under his boot once more, remembering to answer only when the guy seems to have passed out.

“Oh yeah, I can hang out.” Wade looks at his suit, mostly clean because he’s been avoiding the unaliving sort of jobs lately, what’s with trying to do something Spidey would be proud of on accounts of the guy being MIA recently. Maybe if Wade was good he’ll get to catch a glimpse of Spidey again.

**[ You and I both know that’s not how the world works. Bargaining is not a good look on you. ]**

“What time?” Wade asks when he realises Peter’s quiet on the other side.

“Uh, I called a pizza, so if you want, you can come over now?”

_{ Ooh, spontaneous. }_

“Sure, give me your address and I’ll come by as soon as I’m done with a thing.”

Petey doesn’t ask what this thing is, but he does give Wade an address. When Wade gets there, in a hoodie and sweatpants because his suit may be clean but normal people don’t go around in costume all the time, he barely has time to knock before the door swings open.

“Hey, Wade. I heard you coming up the stairs. Come on in.”

There’s no reaction from Peter at Wade’s exposed skin, the scarring that’s obvious even under his hoodie and the dim light in the corridor. It makes Wade peer at the guy in front of him. Peter looks tired, colossally tired, if he’s being honest, but that’s not what surprises Wade.

“Is that a [crop top and cut-off short shorts](https://spidey-art.tumblr.com/post/190824615144/everyone-is-talking-about-mcu-spideys-iron-spider)?”

Peter looks down at himself, before shrugging.

“Guess so.”

The man doesn’t say more, just walks into his apartment – which Wade takes in in a glance, literally, because it’s tiny – and then gestures at the pizza box.

“Help yourself to some pizza. I’m glad you can hang out on such short notice. Wanna watch a documentary on seahorses? Or Netflix, I guess, if my subscription is still valid? Or –”

“Seahorses sound cool,” Wade interjects, wheels in his head whirring.

_{ Something’s wrong. }_

**[ For once, Yellow and I are in agreement. ]**

Give him space, Wade thinks, reaching for a slice of pizza and chewing loudly to provide a distraction. “So, you were saying about seahorses?” Wade prompts, taking in how Peter blinks sluggishly before he puts on a sort of smile.

“Oh yeah. Discovery Channel.”

Wade finds a bouquet of flowers when he tries to sit on the couch, but he quietly pushes them aside when he sees how Peter looks.

_{ Crestfallen. Despondent. Disheartened. }_

“Did you know that seahorses, they mate for life?”

Peter looks up at that, mouth open with half-chewed pizza visible. It shouldn’t be cute, but it kind of is.

“You’ve watched this before?”

Wade fits a whole slice of pizza into his mouth, everything in one go, folded and all, putting up a finger to show that he needs to chew before he answers.

“Nope.”

**[ Lies. ]**

“I’ve only seen the intro, so you’re doing me a favour by showing me the rest of this seahorse documentary.”

Peter seems stunned at that, but then he recovers enough to laugh, saying, “Oh yeah? Glad I’m not going to bore you then.”

_{ Does someone find him boring? We can unalive them! }_

“Oh, trust me, you’re not boring,” Wade says, nodding towards Peter’s outfit. His shorts are high-waisted enough that Wade only notices the stomach rolls now that Peter’s brought his knees up towards his chest.

_{ Flexible. }_

**[ We can do that too, dumbass. ]**

“What? You mean not every male cosplayer out there wears crop tops and short shorts while they’re at home?” There’s a hint of jest in Peter’s voice, and Wade just shrugs.

“I don’t hang out with a lot of cos-ers.”

“Huh, me too, actually,” Peter says. His eyes meet Wade’s for a second –

_{ They’re brown. Wide and cute. }_

– before Peter adds, “I think this crop top was from a summer in college when everything got too hot but the RA didn’t let anyone show their nipples, even the guys, because of equality and all. So my roommate and I decided to cut off the sleeves and bottoms of our tshirts, because, what the hell, it was too damn hot.”

“I can get behind that,” Wade says, already smiling. His X-men trainee shirt – excuse me, X-force, because equality and all – had been a crop tee as well. “Anyway, you look cute with it, and oh, before I forget, do tell me if you don’t want me to flirt, it’s kind of automatic at this point.”

Peter raises a single brow at that – cool trick, dope af, and yes, Wade can say it as A-F in his head – then smiles. Peter still looks exhausted, but not as bad as when Wade first saw him earlier.

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m divorced and single now, anyway.”

_{ Huh. }_

**[ Wasn’t expecting that. ]**

I wasn’t either, Wade thinks.

\---

# 3\. He’s a Ryan Reynolds fan

“Hold on, you’re a fan of Ryan Reynolds?”

Peter-bee looks up, and oh yeah, Wade might have been looking through Petey’s Netflix history. Come on, he’s been over, like, three times this month, he’s pretty much chummy with the guy already, okay?

**[ You haven’t seen him naked yet though. ]**

_{ If you count seeing someone three times a month as friends, does that mean Spidey is our friend too? }_

Hearing White get on board with the lusting is new, but Wade focuses on yelling at Yellow instead –

_We barely spoke two words to Spidey, while we’re totally having a real convo here with Petey. It’s different, alright?_

He almost misses Peter’s reply over White sighing as Yellow starts yelling that Spidey is totes their friend.

“Yeah, he’s funny. And cute. And has a nice body.” Who were they talking about again? Oh yeah, Ryan Reynolds. Wade sees Peter shrug, which is only a little distracting because the neckline of his tshirt slips a little. It’s another crop tee. Again. Peter’s going to be the death of him. “I’m a Tom Holland fan too. And Andrew Garfield, but not so much Tobey Maguire.”

“Is this meant to be the obligatory fourth wall break?” Wade asks. “Because first of all, we did that in the first part and this is a lame-ass attempt, but anyway while we’re here, I’ll like it to be on the record that Jake Gyllenhaal is hella dreamy. And has a great filmography.”

It says a lot about Peter-bee that he doesn’t even bat an eyelash at Wade’s words, just picks out the important point –

“Well, we can watch the Life movie, it stars Jake –”

“And Reynolds,” Wade claps, for emphasis. “Perfect.”

\---

# 4\. A camboy

Number 4 and number 5 in this fic are related, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

So, the other day, Wade was just searching the web, as he does, once in a while, –

_{ So, uh, the fourth thing Wade doesn’t expect of Peter-bee is – }_

Great, eager to interrupt, aren’t you?

**[ Or maybe the author’s tired of typing this fic already, you know. ]**

So, anyway, Wade was searching the web, and he comes across a camboy channel. Not just any old camboy channel, but one by the name of –

“Benjaminthemiddle?”

**[ That’s a dumb name. ]**

_{ Did you know, Jake Gyllenhaal’s middle name is also Benjamin? }_

**[ Did you just say, ‘also’? Because that sounds like foreshadowing. ]**

“It’s a camboy name,” Wade counters, before clicking on the video that caught his attention to begin with, only to find –

\---

# 5\. He’s pierced down there, holy shites

So yeah, Wade sort of got ahead of himself. He finds out about 4 and 5 at the same time. Where was he again? Oh yeah.

He was searching ‘frenum ladder’ on the camboy site – he’s got preferences, don’t judge – and the video that pops out when he clicked on Benjaminthemiddle’s video shows what looks like an early-twenties Peter naked on screen, legs spread out and crotch in the foreground –

**[ Oh wow, he’s clean shaven – ]**

_{ Wow, way to miss a point, he’s clearly hung – }_

“He has a frenum ladder, what the fuck,” Wade hisses as he fumbles for his quickly hardening dick. “Oh crap, the barbells shift when Petey touches himself, fuckfuck _fuck_ –”

It doesn’t take him long to come, and he rewatches the video three times to learn that:

One, Peter’s frenum ladder has 5 barbells, what the fuck. How does he fit all of them? Oh yeah, ‘cause he’s hung. It must hurt. But also, imagine bottoming for that dick, oh yeah –

**[ Whoever likes to make jokes about Deadpool being ribbed for his lover’s pleasure can laugh here. Ha. Deadpool’s not the one who’s ribbed. ]**

Two, it’s dark in twink Petey’s room which is why it takes Wade two watches to realise that Peter-bee used to have two lip rings on the left of his lower lip.

_{ He doesn’t have them now. Why? }_

**[ Maybe he doesn’t have them anymore because it shows under masks. For uh, when he cosplays Deadpool, you know. ]**

Ha, Wade thinks, until he doesn’t, because oh yeah, second orgasm, baby.

Three, resting between orgasms is a good time to search what the lip rings are called, and the ones Peter had were either a [viper bite, or a spider bite](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/422916221228942792/).

_{ I don’t get what’s the difference. }_

**[ Does it matter? ]**

Four, there’s such a thing as coming too much.

**[ Oh man, you need to keep lube closer. This hurts, even for our level of pain tolerance. ]**

And lastly –

Five, did you think the rating on this fic comes from this part? ‘Cause, nope, the Mature rating’s just for Deadpool in general, hoo, boy.

\---

# +1. But more importantly

“I’m Peter Benjamin Parker, and I’m Spider-man.”

Deadpool blinks, looking at Spidey in front of him. Or well, Peter, because his mask is in his hands, and Wade has eyes. That was out of the blue.

And also –

“Are we doing the full introductions today? Now? On a chilly night on a rooftop after fighting crime because the author is oh-so-original? Okay. Hi, I’m Wade Winston Wilson, and I’m Deadpool, also known as the Merc with a Mouth, or –”

“Wait, you’re not surprised,” Peter blurts out, realisation dawning in his eyes.

“Uh, no?” Wade leans forward, peers at Peter through the lens of his mask before giving him a light tap on his head. “I’m an expert on Spidey’s ass and I’ve seen yours plenty when we hang out on pizza nights, and also? That thick –”

“Waistline?” Peter grimaces –

“Thighs,” Wade corrects, pulling off his mask, because if Peter’s insecure about his body, Wade’s insecure about his too, and he can make it less difficult for Peter-bee. Peter smiles a little, and Wade thinks he gets the gesture.

A bit.

Maybe.

Who knows.

“So… you figured out I was Spider-man?” Peter eventually asks, sheepishly rubbing a hand on the back of his neck.

“Sort of?” Wade has an urge to shrug, but also an urge to remain sincere. He ends up shrugging anyway, but confesses the rest softly, “It wasn’t very difficult, you know. You left your Spider-suit out.”

Peter’s eyes widened.

“I told you it was for cosplay! And you didn’t look like you doubted me!”

**[ Such innocence. ]**

_{ So perfect. }_

“And you left your web-shooters out,” Wade adds, raising a brow, except he can’t really do it, on account of not having hair and all, and also because, you know, he can’t move one side of his face independently of the other like Peter could.

Peter gasps.

“You didn’t say anything when I said it’s a prototype for cosplay.”

Wade shrugs.

“Well, I figured you’ll tell me the truth if you want to.”

At that, Peter seems to be surprised. “Huh,” he says after a moment passes. “ _Huh_.”

_{ Is this the part where the fic gets renamed 5 times Peter B. Parker was not what Deadpool expected and 1 time ~~he really wasn't~~ Wade wasn’t what Spider-man expected? }_

**[ No. ]**

“Thank you for trusting me with your identity,” Wade decides to say when the silence goes on too long. “I will keep it a secret.”

**[ Don’t say ‘don’t worry’, because that’s just asking him to think about worrying. ]**

And then, because Wade is Wade and he can’t resist, he adds –

“Though honestly, I got to say you’re pretty bad at this whole secret identity thing.”

The indignant look Peter spots is hilarious. Wade didn’t know Petey’s eyes can show [so much white](https://ksassets.timeincuk.net/wp/uploads/sites/46/2016/03/jakemain.jpg). Honestly. It’s Hi-La-Ri-Ous.

“Excuse me,” Peter says when he stops looking like a meme, though no less cute. “Who’s the one who gave me his real name card the first time we met? At comic con, no less?”

Wade spreads his arms out in a full body shrug.

“My identity was never a secret.”

“Eh, well, I guess not.” Peter deflates, rubs the back of his neck again. “Actually, no, that’s kind of the thing.”

“What thing?”

**[ The whole identity reveal thing is done. DONE. What thing is there still? ]**

_{ How about – }_

“I uh, I knew you were Deadpool from the start,” Peter says, not looking at Deadpool, “Which like, no surprises there, the katanas looked real, and you gave me your real name card and all, and I uh, also hung out with you as Wade which was really fun? The first time I called to hang out, I was actually pretty bummed out because I got rejected by MJ again, which like, yeah, should have expected that, we have been divorced, you know, but I had an _idea_ after Miles said something and, uh, sorry, that wasn’t the point –”

**[ Wow, Spidey rambles too huh. ]**

_{ It’s a sign. We’re perfect for each other. }_

**[ Shut up. Don’t get your hopes up. ]**

“ – and anyway, the point I wanted to make was, I knew you were both Deadpool and Wade, and I’ve been enjoying your company as both? But like, I couldn’t talk to you much as Spider-man, or you’ll recognise my voice and put two and two together, which I guess you did anyway, but – where was I again – oh yeah, I got sick of hiding my secret identity and I really want to know you better, so I thought the best way is to come clean, and wow, I’m a mess, this could have gone better –”

**[ Did he just say what we think he said? ]**

_{ Hoo, boy. }_

“Petey –”

Peter stops his rambling at the sound of his name, looking up with those brown deer-in-the-headlights eyes that a thirty-something scruffy paunchy man shouldn’t be caught having, but looking cute nonetheless for it.

“Yeah?”

_{ Tell him! Confess our love! }_

**[ Don’t scare him, seriously. ]**

“I… I’m glad you wanna know me better,” is what Wade settles for instead. It’s true too. Just, you know, the more PG part of his thoughts, because White’s right.

“Yeah?” Peter pauses. “No, I mean, yeah, of course, I do. Wanna know you better.”

Wade feels a smile coming up.

“You’re a whole mess, you know, Spidey.”

It’s Peter’s turn to shrug this time. He scratches at his chin.

“Well, I can’t deny that.”

And then Peter laughs, suddenly.

“I mean, come on, you’ve seen my apartment.”

Wade grins. “Oh yeah. I have. It’s almost as bad as mine, which is saying a lot.” Peter doesn’t move when Wade takes a step closer. No, in fact, Peter’s taking two steps towards him and _oh_.

_{ I wuv hugs. }_

“So, uh” Peter clears his throat, “Let’s do this again. _Hi_ , I’m Peter B. Parker, I’m Spider-man, and I’ll like to be your friend.”

Wade looks up from the Spidey’s shoulder – what? The hug was tight, okay? Spidey gives nice warm tight hugs –

“Friends? Or _friends?_ ”

It’s funny to hear Peter’s panicked swallow up close.

_{ He’s nervous too. }_

“We… will start as friends. See where that goes.”

Wade’s the one who lets up on the hug first. Peter looks sincere when Wade turns to look at him, which is more than what Deadpool is used to. There’s a lump in Wade’s throat when he finally smiles and say –

“Yeah. Yeah, okay, we can start off as friends.”

**[ Start off. As friends. You’ve read enough fic to know where this goes. ]**

_{ Hoo, boy. Oh yeah. Will we see his piercings up close? }_

**[ Who knows? ]**

\-----

_Spoiler: They don’t stay as friends._

_Spoiler 2: They become boyfriends._

_Spoiler 3: Okay, fine, boyfriends sound juvenile, let’s just say they become partners, lovers, what-have-yous._

_Spoiler 4: Oh yes, Wade can confirm that Petey is still pierced, and is indeed ribbed for his lover’s pleasure._

\-----

[1] Jake Gyllenhaal’s height is debated, but [6 feet as measured on TV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DR_MZy7vBTo) is a good enough gauge for a fanfic on AO3 now, isn’t it?

**Author's Note:**

> I would love to know what you think :)


End file.
